With the rise of Google Translate, Duolingo, etc., there are more ways to approximate different languages. But in football, there is a secret language.
Those of a certain age may recall the inspired takes of Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse on player interviews. Well, today, it’s our turn to teach you how to speak ‘footballer’:
“I’m settled here”
Translation: “I’m being paid more than the average person earns year every week and live in a nice house. I’m happy to keep playing football here until a better offer comes along.”
“I’m not on social media”
Translation: “My agent, family and friends all send me this stuff anyway.”
“I’m flattered by ____ ‘s interest”
Translation: “If there is an actual offer on the table I’m gone but I don’t want to say this as I don’t want fans daubing graffiti on my door”
“We have to take responsibility”
Translation: “It’s not my fault we lost”
“We had an agreement”
Translation: “My agent didn’t get a verbal agreement in writing and I was too busy playing online poker to notice”
“He’s a good character”
Translation: “I know full well my team-mate just performed perfect surgery on their striker’s ankles, but because he bought me a pint once, he must be alright”
“I didn’t see what happened”
Translation: “I know exactly what happened but I’m not daft enough to push my fellow football player under the bus as it might be me next time.”
“We need the fans”
Translation: “It was so quiet I thought I was in a Trappist monastery.”
“For now I just want to focus on football”
Translation: “Give me that massive pay rise I deserve then I’ll sign a new contract. There are folks here who do half the work I do for double the wages.”
The gestures
Football players also speak physically as well as verbally.
The unmistakeable stare that lets a teammate know “You messed up”
The furious raising of arms at a set-piece – this works better if you’re a Kenny McLean as opposed to a Random McRandom who has come on for the last two minutes.
The not looking clap over head – If you are a football player who wants to acknowledge the fans but is too cool to do a full cheer or run around like a kid on too much Sunny Delight.
Over to you…
Have you spotted anything a player says and what they actually mean? Let us know, and we might just do a football translation follow-up!
